“You cannot disappoint me.”
What does it do to you if you were to say this to someone you care about especially your child. Does it bring up discomfort in your body? Does it bring up some triggers from the past, the childhood where one would have heard the statement, ” You disappoint me or I am disappointed with you.”
These words might sound ridiculous as thoughts of don’t children need boundaries, accountability, and consequences? Isn’t part of being a parent making sure they know right from wrong, good from bad, acceptable from unacceptable?
What if beneath the surface, this statement carries a quiet revolution in parenting — a shift from control to connection, from performance to presence.
What Does It Mean?
To say to a child, “You cannot disappoint me,” is not to say, “You can do whatever you want.”
Rather, it says, “My love and presence are not conditional on your behavior. I will still guide you, still help you see consequences, still hold limits — but I will not withhold myself. I do not collapse into shame, rage, or withdrawal when you falter. Your worth is not up for debate.”
It is a space of deep security.
And yes, a parent can work from here. Have you had moments in your life where you would have liked to hear that the love that is coming for you is unconditional though your actions have consequences.
The Trap of Disappointment
Many of us were raised with disappointment as a weapon. A sigh. A turned back. A cold silence. The words, “I expected better of you.” It taught us to shrink ourselves into who we thought we needed to be in order to remain loved. It made us performers, approval-seekers, perfectionists. Some of us are still healing from it.
Disappointment sounds like love, but it often carries rejection.
It confuses “You made a mistake” with “You are a mistake.”
Parenting Without Disappointment
Working from the space of “You cannot disappoint me” requires two internal shifts:
- Seeing the child as whole — not as someone to fix, shape, or sculpt, but as a person already worthy, already becoming.
- Separating the child’s behavior from the parent’s self-worth — understanding that a child’s meltdown, defiance, or mistakes are not personal attacks, but communications of unmet needs or developing systems.
When these shifts take root, a different kind of parenting becomes possible. One that is less reactive and more responsive. One that can say:
- “That didn’t work out. Let’s figure out what happened.”
- “I see you’re struggling. I’m here.”
- “This is hard, but we’ll get through it together.”
And yes, sometimes also:
- “That’s not okay. We’ll need to repair that.”
This comes from a space of love, not shame. From holding a child capable, not broken.
Is This Permissiveness?
No. The child still hears ‘no.’ Still faces consequences. Still learns what is safe, respectful, and true. And the child is never cast out of the circle of belonging. Mistakes are framed as part of growth, not proof of failure.
The parent becomes a steady presence, not a judge waiting to hand down a verdict.
What Happens When We Parent This Way?
Children raised in this space are more likely to:
- Trust their inner compass.
- Be open and sharing rather than hide.
- Repair rather than defend.
- Be kind to others because they have felt kindness in their own mistakes.
And perhaps most importantly, they are more likely to know:
I am loved — not because of what I did or did not do, but because someone stayed with me in my journey.
Can a Parent Truly Do This?
Not all the time. We are human. We get triggered, tired, tangled in our own wounds. This space offers a gift. We can return and say:
- “I lost you for a moment. I’m back now.”
- “I got scared and made it about me. I’m willing to start again.”
And in doing so, the learning that comes out is that grown-ups are still learning. And love, the real kind, can hold all of it.